Capitaan dildo arrescate!
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
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