the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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