Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Bring me that man meat
They have beer where we have blood.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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