how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
My bed is full of blood and feathers
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
this hospital has no fireball
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Randomize
