Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
Randomize
