Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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