And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!
A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?
CUNT. CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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