I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Randomize
