i wish starbucks made bloody marys
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
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