He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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