I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
