I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
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