Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
try to milk me bitch
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