Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
They are going to name an STD after you.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
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