the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Randomize
