the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize