If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
Randomize
