i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
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