That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
