I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
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