i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
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