I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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