I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Randomize
