Swine flu. Run for my life!
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Randomize
