Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
