I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Randomize
