This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
