Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
