There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
