I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
