why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize