Got a toothbrush?
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Quick, to the slutcave!
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
