You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Randomize