That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
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