If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
