so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
tequila makes me forget i have legs
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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