Operation Purity has been aborted
The beer is more important than you right now.
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
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