This dress was meant to end up on your floor
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
