My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
please come you make the beer taste better
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Randomize
