Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
Randomize
