hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
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