I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
