i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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