forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
