Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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