I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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