Cold hands, warm shart.
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Randomize
