just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
