That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize