Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
