Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Randomize
