I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
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