i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
PANTIES FOUND
Randomize
