He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
