I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Randomize
