Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
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