was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
why do cheetos always look like penises
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
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