Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Randomize
