this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
